Month: May 2020
Welp….I did it….
I have made my pages public, started an instagram page to share my blogs with just random strangers….what does that mean for me? Crazy heart palpitations, shortness of breath but you know what ~ I did it ~ I have done this for me, not for anyone to feel sorry for me (if you know me you know that’s the very last thing I would ever want), not for anyone to give me advice on what to do.
You see, this is part of my healing process, a very hard part but part of the healing, the coping, the panics, the anxiety, the fear….I can go on but then I won’t have anything to write about later 🤷🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🥴
Much love!
Good days and bad days…
I know we all have our good days and our bad days…what does that look like for me?
Example from yesterday…in a decent mood, got a text from a very dear friend that wanted to come over and my first response was YES! I’d love to see you! No sooner than I hit that send button by chest started hurting, shortness of breath and a wave of fear swept over me….why? I have no idea….my very next text was oh I’m sorry I don’t think I will be available. It’s not just with certain people, even my parents coming over causes these reactions. And don’t even ask about my siblings….I haven’t seen them in 2 years, 2 years y’all that’s a long time and we all live within 1 hour of each other.
Is it because of the questions I don’t want to answer? Is the conversations I don’t want to participate in? Is it the thought of someone seeing me when I haven’t brushed my hair in a week and it’s in a bun on the top of my head? Is it because I think they will want me to be the hostess with the mostest? Or is it because they all think they can “fix” me? I am still trying to figure that out, still trying to understand as much now as I was 3 years ago.
This is why I am considered the Anti Social Princess, my family so graciously has nicked named me this, because why? Well, I think it’s because unless you have truly experienced a full blown panic attack it’s hard for them to understand and even harder for me to explain when the last thing I want is to communicate with anyone.
Until next time….
Confessionalist
Blogging isn’t exactly my best “craft”…. so bear with me as my punctuation will not be correct.. I write like I talk and I call it like I see it and feel it.
I started going to my “confessionalist” about 1 1/2 years ago. She’s not really a confessionalist…she’s my counselor, but in the beginning that’s what I called her because it felt like I was going somewhere to “confess” all the things I had done wrong to get to this place in my life. It was recommended when I first started to try to learn coping mechanisms. Her first thought was to have me look at a picture and describe all the shapes, colors, items etc. that I was seeing ~ well that didn’t go very well ~ my anxiety went skyrocket….which brought on a full panic attack, bad enough that she had to go to the waiting room to get my son to come calm me down. If you have never experienced a full blown panic attack…let me just tell you! It is the worst you absolutely think you will die because you can breath in but you can’t get the air out and then that makes your thoughts even crazier because you can’t do any thing to help yourself. Since this has been going on for a bit, my son had gotten me out of a several panic attacks….to get through mine, I have to look into an immediate family members eyes as they coax me into calming my breathing down…freaked my confession lady out. Her next suggestion was to start a journal, well that just pissed me off and I hated it- I think because writing my feelings down meant “this” new mental illness is real and I didn’t want to admit it. I was happy going to my room putting on my noise canceling headphones and retreat from the entire world….yes, even my family.
AntiSocialPrincess 