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🥺 today will be my first outing to a public place since COVID-19 started, so to say I am freaking out is putting it mildly. My chest is hurting, my breathing is crazy….My appointment isn’t until 9:30 for what I hope is my last appointment for this workers comp case…another IME…which is also causing me great anxiety. Which is worse the thought of being in public with the possibility of COVID exposure…wearing a mask…or the appointment…for sure the mask wearing….what if I have a panic attack and I am around people and can’t take my mask off so I can catch my breath?! Then if I take my mask off how many non mask wearers will have this stupid virius which exposes me ~ as you can imagine my immune system is not the best since I have pretty much been a nonsocialist for 3 years because of pain, anxitey, panic. And this fear of having to go into the office by myself in my wheelchair is also causing me a great deal of grief. Will this ever end. Will I ever get over the fear of going somewhere by myself without overthinking what if something happens? What if I slip again, what if I am out and have an attack and there is no one to help me. What if…what if…what if….

Will it ever end?

Do you ever wake up in the mornings so pissed off and you have no clue as to why? That’s been me the last few mornings, just pissed off as soon as I wake up and I couldn’t figure out why…or am I even supposed to figure it out? I feel that I must figure it out…I hate feeling this way, I hate being pissed for what seems to be no reason. I hate that I have to take 5 medications just to exist, medicines that make me feel separated from myself, medicines that make me dizzy, medicines that when taken together, according to “WebMD(tm)”, are all in the red zone of danger when taken together. The medicines are also what have helped me tremendously, panic attacks are getting less and less, anxiety is still pretty high but not as controlling my life as they were. Needless to say this COVID-19 quarantine has not hurt my feelings one bit…as me and my anxiety are very happy to stay at home. So back to being pissed when I wake up….it finally hit me yesterday…I am pissed when I wake up because of a few reasons…1~ I woke up, woke up at 4 am with my chest hurting, my anxiety at a high level, the feeling of something is wrong…something is off in my world 2~ the biggie….it hit me like a ton of bricks…I am so tired of waking up hurting, my body hurts, my heart hurts, my head hurts. I am pissed that my surgery was 2 years ago and I am still not at 100% and that I never will be…I am pissed because my back hurts, which I have had back pain for as long as I can remember but I guess you add the other components and it just makes it feel that much worse. 3~ I still have to have so much assistance and I hate to ask for help, why you ask? Because to me that is admitting that I can’t do it alone, that I need assistance, I need help going up and down the steps, I need help getting into bed at night because my hips and back hurt so much that I just want to cry and give up. That I can’t cook a meal for my family because standing up too long cause severe pain in my low back and hips to the point that it feels like 2 bowling balls-1 on each side at my SI joint- are putting so much pressure on my hips, back and legs that I can’t walk by myself. 4~ do I really need a number 4….realizing the top 3 is like admitting defeat admitting that the more I try to get my “normal” life back that it doesn’t seem to be happening and that also pisses me off.

That’s all for today…I am going to sit here and drink my coffee and be pissed off until my meds kick in, which again causes me to be pissed off even more. 😠😡🤬🤯😒😞😔

Much love 🥰

Today was a mildly rough one. Felt like I had been medicated all day. So groggy….actually slept 11 hours last night, first time in a while I have slept that much…then took a 3 hour nap…no energy for anything. Been a while since I have felt this beat up…not sure what has caused it…usually happens when my anxiety is on overdrive ~ that day was Wednesday…had a video conference with my psychiatrist. So let’s chat about that….called and confirmed my appointment- logged into my account- went into the “waiting room”- double checked to make sure I was in the right room…I wasn’t I was still in my “confessionalist’s” from last week..ugh….now what? Logged out of her room and tried to log into the right room but for whatever reason someone else was in my waiting room so I couldn’t get in….called the office (by this time I am 10 minutes late to a 15 minute appointment) and by this time my anxiety is going up quickly, my leg is working 100 miles per hour going up and down…finally got a person after going through what felt like 20 prompts and she says oh it happens, can the dr just call you? Wow, what? It just happens? It doesn’t just happen to a person with an anxiety disorder, they of all people should realize this. Finally I am chatting with my dr on the phone. One of my meds is making me have tremors and muscle jerks and causing me to choke sometimes when I swallow my food or my meds. Choked on my steak the other night and hubby had to save me….so thanks to my newest medicine that makes me feel almost human caused me to almost choke to death. So I now have to cut this pill in half because it’s the lowest dose….this pill is so small we have to use a pill cutter. Tonight is my first night taking the 1/2 pill so we shall see if that helps the tremors and choking.

Enough of that talk…my granddaughter will be spending 3-4 nights with us next week while her mommy and daddy go in for the delivery of her brother…excited but sad because no hospital visits 😔. Going to be an exciting week with lots of FaceTime calls! Another blessing being added to my tribe.

Much love 🥰

I do a lot of declining calls and ignoring text messages, saying sure I’ll go but when it’s time having to decline because my brain is now on overload for all of the what if’s that may or may not happen. I also have a lot of days of doing nothing…like 4 hour naps because I just can’t deal, or wearing my headphones on noice canceling because I can’t handle noise. Waking up pissed off for no apparent reason other than the fact that I woke up…

It’s not all bad days, some days I want to be busy but then the physical pain starts and my body says nope we are going to suffer today even though all that stuff on the table or the island or in the kitchen sets my irritation off to the point I just go to my room and shut the door…you know out of sight out of mind. Mental disorders suck, and new ones that you have to learn new tricks to cope with are even worse

Much love 🥰