I have been awake since about 3:45 this morning, that seems to be my new norm between 4 and 6. Sleep doesn’t come until about midnight sometimes later, I am not sure who this person is as I used to be an at least 12 hours of sleep a night girl! But it’s nice to sit and drink my coffee and meditate and get my mind frame right for the day…sometimes that happens, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it causes me to be agitated because let me tell you I love my sleep! But some days it makes for a good day. Today was a good productive day ~ helped John work on getting his collaboration project started with Virgo Photos ~ hint: they are publishing a photo book! Kind of exciting huh?

I had forgotten how much sitting in a chair for a couple of hours practically debilitates me for the rest of the day because of pain and swelling…so guess where I have been most of the afternoon…yup, laying on the bed with my “surgically repaired” foot elevated as it decided it would be fun to swell up today. This really gets me down, my surgery was 2 years ago, my injury 3 years ago and it seems like the end is not even close to being in sight. But I tell myself, that it is ok, this too shall pass.

Happy Saturday and much love 🥰

I know I can’t go without it but man I hate the side effects of all the meds I have to take just to survive a day….dizziness, light headed, cold sweat, heart pounding and that’s just sitting in my chair. But man let me skip even one and I am either very snarky or I just want to cry all day…..feels like I can’t win any way I go.

So now let’s talk about pain….dealing with pain ~ is that worse than mental issues or are the mental issues worse. So now pain management has been added to my list of doctors that I have to see….so let’s count….psychiatrist, “confessionalist”, spine doctor, ankle/foot specialist, G.P., and pain management….I have more doctors than most 90 year olds. Oh and let’s not forget the doctor I see for my stomach issues caused by all the meds I now have to take. This coming from a girl that only took ibuprofen for pain that started 25 years ago from a birth defect. My “normal” is no longer….

Did you know that I wanted to join the Air Force? It wasn’t until I told my dad that I wanted to join that I was told I would never pass a physical to join the Air Force. Even though I was born with a birth defect, I have always been told I can do anything…played soft ball, played basketball. It wasn’t until I had my sweet babies that my hips and low back shifted and for several years until I was told by my dr to stop working or I wouldn’t be able to walk…..gonna stop with that, went further with my story than I intended.

Until next tomorrow….Much love

Today was a decent day for me, my precious grand baby spent the night with us so her mommy could go for her baby dr. check up. That little girl is the reason I am still kicking…. 2 years ago I wasn’t so sure….the pain, the depression, the anxiety that I had just made me want to crawl in a hole and never be seen again. I still feel that way some days, but a lot less now than then. One day soon I will be able to tell my entire story, not really ready for all that yet.

All I can say is thank God for Sadie, my psychiatrist that recognized that medication was necessary and my “confessionalist” for teaching me coping mechanisms.

Much love 🥰

JUST BE NICE……. feel good clothing !!! wear JBN, smile at a stranger, just be nice in driving, flash the peace sign….the just be nice one! put a JBN sticker somewhere nice. Just Be Nice….the way life should

I have made my pages public, started an instagram page to share my blogs with just random strangers….what does that mean for me? Crazy heart palpitations, shortness of breath but you know what ~ I did it ~ I have done this for me, not for anyone to feel sorry for me (if you know me you know that’s the very last thing I would ever want), not for anyone to give me advice on what to do.

You see, this is part of my healing process, a very hard part but part of the healing, the coping, the panics, the anxiety, the fear….I can go on but then I won’t have anything to write about later 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🥴

Much love!

I know we all have our good days and our bad days…what does that look like for me?

Example from yesterday…in a decent mood, got a text from a very dear friend that wanted to come over and my first response was YES! I’d love to see you! No sooner than I hit that send button by chest started hurting, shortness of breath and a wave of fear swept over me….why? I have no idea….my very next text was oh I’m sorry I don’t think I will be available. It’s not just with certain people, even my parents coming over causes these reactions. And don’t even ask about my siblings….I haven’t seen them in 2 years, 2 years y’all that’s a long time and we all live within 1 hour of each other.

Is it because of the questions I don’t want to answer? Is the conversations I don’t want to participate in? Is it the thought of someone seeing me when I haven’t brushed my hair in a week and it’s in a bun on the top of my head? Is it because I think they will want me to be the hostess with the mostest? Or is it because they all think they can “fix” me? I am still trying to figure that out, still trying to understand as much now as I was 3 years ago.

This is why I am considered the Anti Social Princess, my family so graciously has nicked named me this, because why? Well, I think it’s because unless you have truly experienced a full blown panic attack it’s hard for them to understand and even harder for me to explain when the last thing I want is to communicate with anyone.

Until next time….