Today was a mildly rough one. Felt like I had been medicated all day. So groggy….actually slept 11 hours last night, first time in a while I have slept that much…then took a 3 hour nap…no energy for anything. Been a while since I have felt this beat up…not sure what has caused it…usually happens when my anxiety is on overdrive ~ that day was Wednesday…had a video conference with my psychiatrist. So let’s chat about that….called and confirmed my appointment- logged into my account- went into the “waiting room”- double checked to make sure I was in the right room…I wasn’t I was still in my “confessionalist’s” from last week..ugh….now what? Logged out of her room and tried to log into the right room but for whatever reason someone else was in my waiting room so I couldn’t get in….called the office (by this time I am 10 minutes late to a 15 minute appointment) and by this time my anxiety is going up quickly, my leg is working 100 miles per hour going up and down…finally got a person after going through what felt like 20 prompts and she says oh it happens, can the dr just call you? Wow, what? It just happens? It doesn’t just happen to a person with an anxiety disorder, they of all people should realize this. Finally I am chatting with my dr on the phone. One of my meds is making me have tremors and muscle jerks and causing me to choke sometimes when I swallow my food or my meds. Choked on my steak the other night and hubby had to save me….so thanks to my newest medicine that makes me feel almost human caused me to almost choke to death. So I now have to cut this pill in half because it’s the lowest dose….this pill is so small we have to use a pill cutter. Tonight is my first night taking the 1/2 pill so we shall see if that helps the tremors and choking.

Enough of that talk…my granddaughter will be spending 3-4 nights with us next week while her mommy and daddy go in for the delivery of her brother…excited but sad because no hospital visits 😔. Going to be an exciting week with lots of FaceTime calls! Another blessing being added to my tribe.

Much love 🥰

I do a lot of declining calls and ignoring text messages, saying sure I’ll go but when it’s time having to decline because my brain is now on overload for all of the what if’s that may or may not happen. I also have a lot of days of doing nothing…like 4 hour naps because I just can’t deal, or wearing my headphones on noice canceling because I can’t handle noise. Waking up pissed off for no apparent reason other than the fact that I woke up…

It’s not all bad days, some days I want to be busy but then the physical pain starts and my body says nope we are going to suffer today even though all that stuff on the table or the island or in the kitchen sets my irritation off to the point I just go to my room and shut the door…you know out of sight out of mind. Mental disorders suck, and new ones that you have to learn new tricks to cope with are even worse

Much love 🥰

I have been awake since about 3:45 this morning, that seems to be my new norm between 4 and 6. Sleep doesn’t come until about midnight sometimes later, I am not sure who this person is as I used to be an at least 12 hours of sleep a night girl! But it’s nice to sit and drink my coffee and meditate and get my mind frame right for the day…sometimes that happens, sometimes it doesn’t. Sometimes it causes me to be agitated because let me tell you I love my sleep! But some days it makes for a good day. Today was a good productive day ~ helped John work on getting his collaboration project started with Virgo Photos ~ hint: they are publishing a photo book! Kind of exciting huh?

I had forgotten how much sitting in a chair for a couple of hours practically debilitates me for the rest of the day because of pain and swelling…so guess where I have been most of the afternoon…yup, laying on the bed with my “surgically repaired” foot elevated as it decided it would be fun to swell up today. This really gets me down, my surgery was 2 years ago, my injury 3 years ago and it seems like the end is not even close to being in sight. But I tell myself, that it is ok, this too shall pass.

Happy Saturday and much love 🥰

I know I can’t go without it but man I hate the side effects of all the meds I have to take just to survive a day….dizziness, light headed, cold sweat, heart pounding and that’s just sitting in my chair. But man let me skip even one and I am either very snarky or I just want to cry all day…..feels like I can’t win any way I go.

So now let’s talk about pain….dealing with pain ~ is that worse than mental issues or are the mental issues worse. So now pain management has been added to my list of doctors that I have to see….so let’s count….psychiatrist, “confessionalist”, spine doctor, ankle/foot specialist, G.P., and pain management….I have more doctors than most 90 year olds. Oh and let’s not forget the doctor I see for my stomach issues caused by all the meds I now have to take. This coming from a girl that only took ibuprofen for pain that started 25 years ago from a birth defect. My “normal” is no longer….

Did you know that I wanted to join the Air Force? It wasn’t until I told my dad that I wanted to join that I was told I would never pass a physical to join the Air Force. Even though I was born with a birth defect, I have always been told I can do anything…played soft ball, played basketball. It wasn’t until I had my sweet babies that my hips and low back shifted and for several years until I was told by my dr to stop working or I wouldn’t be able to walk…..gonna stop with that, went further with my story than I intended.

Until next tomorrow….Much love

Today was a decent day for me, my precious grand baby spent the night with us so her mommy could go for her baby dr. check up. That little girl is the reason I am still kicking…. 2 years ago I wasn’t so sure….the pain, the depression, the anxiety that I had just made me want to crawl in a hole and never be seen again. I still feel that way some days, but a lot less now than then. One day soon I will be able to tell my entire story, not really ready for all that yet.

All I can say is thank God for Sadie, my psychiatrist that recognized that medication was necessary and my “confessionalist” for teaching me coping mechanisms.

Much love 🥰