🥺 today will be my first outing to a public place since COVID-19 started, so to say I am freaking out is putting it mildly. My chest is hurting, my breathing is crazy….My appointment isn’t until 9:30 for what I hope is my last appointment for this workers comp case…another IME…which is also causing me great anxiety. Which is worse the thought of being in public with the possibility of COVID exposure…wearing a mask…or the appointment…for sure the mask wearing….what if I have a panic attack and I am around people and can’t take my mask off so I can catch my breath?! Then if I take my mask off how many non mask wearers will have this stupid virius which exposes me ~ as you can imagine my immune system is not the best since I have pretty much been a nonsocialist for 3 years because of pain, anxitey, panic. And this fear of having to go into the office by myself in my wheelchair is also causing me a great deal of grief. Will this ever end. Will I ever get over the fear of going somewhere by myself without overthinking what if something happens? What if I slip again, what if I am out and have an attack and there is no one to help me. What if…what if…what if….

Will it ever end?

Do you ever wake up in the mornings so pissed off and you have no clue as to why? That’s been me the last few mornings, just pissed off as soon as I wake up and I couldn’t figure out why…or am I even supposed to figure it out? I feel that I must figure it out…I hate feeling this way, I hate being pissed for what seems to be no reason. I hate that I have to take 5 medications just to exist, medicines that make me feel separated from myself, medicines that make me dizzy, medicines that when taken together, according to “WebMD(tm)”, are all in the red zone of danger when taken together. The medicines are also what have helped me tremendously, panic attacks are getting less and less, anxiety is still pretty high but not as controlling my life as they were. Needless to say this COVID-19 quarantine has not hurt my feelings one bit…as me and my anxiety are very happy to stay at home. So back to being pissed when I wake up….it finally hit me yesterday…I am pissed when I wake up because of a few reasons…1~ I woke up, woke up at 4 am with my chest hurting, my anxiety at a high level, the feeling of something is wrong…something is off in my world 2~ the biggie….it hit me like a ton of bricks…I am so tired of waking up hurting, my body hurts, my heart hurts, my head hurts. I am pissed that my surgery was 2 years ago and I am still not at 100% and that I never will be…I am pissed because my back hurts, which I have had back pain for as long as I can remember but I guess you add the other components and it just makes it feel that much worse. 3~ I still have to have so much assistance and I hate to ask for help, why you ask? Because to me that is admitting that I can’t do it alone, that I need assistance, I need help going up and down the steps, I need help getting into bed at night because my hips and back hurt so much that I just want to cry and give up. That I can’t cook a meal for my family because standing up too long cause severe pain in my low back and hips to the point that it feels like 2 bowling balls-1 on each side at my SI joint- are putting so much pressure on my hips, back and legs that I can’t walk by myself. 4~ do I really need a number 4….realizing the top 3 is like admitting defeat admitting that the more I try to get my “normal” life back that it doesn’t seem to be happening and that also pisses me off.

That’s all for today…I am going to sit here and drink my coffee and be pissed off until my meds kick in, which again causes me to be pissed off even more. 😠😡🤬🤯😒😞😔

Much love 🥰